Inimitability II
by SkItZoFrEaK
Summary: Come on in. The dog is hungry, and dog food is so expensive these days.


Inimitability II   
Or  
Opening Gala for the new Home for Abused Conceptions  
  
By: SkItZoFrEaK  
Note: If, in my personal attempts to serve and please my muse and my audience (real or imaginary), I have offended anyone or thing, please accept my deepest apology, and know that I only intended to poke fun at the pomposity and occasional lack of originality or forethought in some fics (including my own). And please know that if I have in any way offended you, in your tiny box world, that while I am bowing my apologies I am secretly laughing at you, along with every other author on the net or off. Yes, it IS as bad as you think and we ARE out to get you. With that said, please read on. And:  
  
'Don't go that way! Never go *that* way!'  
  
AND: (yes, I AM enjoying this!) Allow me to reiterate: Read The FOOTNOTES! They will not only clarify whatever confusion I manage to stir up to muddy your mind but will possible save me from a very inconvenient (not to mention rather permanent) death by lynching. SO, thank you much, and may you have a [censored] day...Hey! Alright, who's the wise guy who put a censor in my [censored]? HEY! Knock that off, you [censored] or I really will say something [censored] you to [censored]... Okay buddy, you wanna make this personal? Let's [censored]! Oh, very funny. Fine, be that way. You, people, just read, okay? Okay. Great. Have a nice [censored]...!!!!  
  
**************************  
  
After my previous essay, 'Inimitability,' I received a large (well, fairly medium...alright a decent) amount of emails and correspondences from various other writers highlighting a few of their own fanfiction grievances. I also picked up a few more from that lovely Labyrinth forum we are all so fond of. And [1] I have once again compiled a list of overused clichés and plot lines, to see if I cannot in some small way contribute to their demise.   
  
And once again, I will begin with the largest rabid weasel of them all - romance. I won't recap what I have already discussed in my previous essay; oh no, this time I have new painfully redundant truisms. All of them, believe it or not, spawn from one vague outline. Shall I stipulate? Sorry, I'm going to anyway.   
  
These types of fics usually begin with Sarah staring dramatically into her mirror [2], wishing for her 'one true love' Jareth/hating her stepmother's horrid unwarranted cruelty/feeling forlorn in general and so on. Some slightly more creative individuals attack this from a new angle: Jareth is sitting outside her window or his throne room with that ever-present crystal, watching Sarah stare at herself despondently. Occasionally, Sarah is crying, and Jareth is caught in the throes of sympathetic pain [3].   
  
Once the proper anguished atmosphere has been established [4], the author then moves on to get a little historical. And we are all very surprised to learn that Jareth has been watching Sarah her entire life, because she is a Princess/Duchess/Person of Great Import in some other realm (once in a while, of the Labyrinth itself), who was whisked away to Aboveground by a jealous person who hates her or her family or both because that is what one does with magical important princesses when one does not wish for them to interfere with one's diabolical plans [5]. Then we learn that either she is betrothed to our very favorite Goblin King, or a prophecy has proclaimed her as his future bride (I personally fail to see the difference, but who am I to gainsay the natural order of things?).   
  
At some point one plucky soul [6] attempted to modify this poor old storyline. That author stated that Jareth was watching Sarah so carefully because he had known her mother, the elusive 'Linda' as she is often called, and had promised to/had chosen to/had been forced to baby-sit for the incompetent mother, and naturally fell in love with the little girl in diapers and dimples. Now, this attempt at breaking the mold earns that author a fulsome bowl of soup and a meaningful thank you, but then we must all shake our collective heads regretfully. Yes, this plot line is a popular now - too popular. The fanatical herds of well-meaning dreamers and schemers have grabbed this one out of the pack and ripped it to shreds. Now, wherever you look, 'Linda' is giving away her baby on a whim, without thought to her welfare. Why, she's committing her to the care of that somewhat unsavory character: the Goblin King [7] at the drop of a pin!   
  
Almost finished with this subject; then I shall move on. Please sigh in extravagant relief more quietly. Now, after the little educational slid show we [8] are submitted to, the author then informs us that we are just in time for the big hoo-ha, the main scheme of this whole charade [9]: Sarah's time limit is almost up. Yes, you see, when she turns 16/18/21 (why is it never 32, or some other more mature age?) Jareth will descend from the night, snatch her up, and carry her home [10] to either marry him immediately [11 - see footnote 10], return her to her kingdom, or begin her 'magic' training.  
  
For the last variation of this theme, replace 'Sarah' with 'Mary Sue' in all preceding paragraphs.   
  
The next gripe, I mean, point of this essay will concern a few selected phrases that have been, pardon my language, flayed to hell and back [12].   
  
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the JE effect [13]. Through careful study, I have discovered that whenever one must describe Jareth, and most importantly: his eyes, one MUST, at some point, use the term 'mismatched eyes.' I cannot explain this to you, ladies and gentlemen; I merely know that it is absolutely necessary. Without the words 'mismatched eyes,' one cannot truly be discussing the same Goblin King found in the Labyrinth, one must be talking about some other Goblin King, because our Goblin King has 'mismatched eyes' into which Sarah/Mary Sue must gaze deeply and be entranced by [14]. If anyone can explain the JE effect to me, please do so immediately. I want to find a cure before I am infected [15].   
  
The next term, and the last issue for this essay, is that loving phrase associated with infatuated Jareths across the fanfiction world. Now, keep in mind that used sparingly, this can be a somewhat endearing phrase. Used to the extent I am accustomed, it is sickening. The phrase, as I'm sure you wish to know, is that ever-tender, 'my love.' Now, if any male, in any place, at any time, were to ever refer to me as 'my love' the amount of times Jareth does to Sarah/Mary Sue in one chapter alone, I would remove certain bits of his anatomy [16]. The stomach churning sweetness with which he usually says this is often enough to put me off the story altogether. Once, I understand, twice, thrice, even four times I can forgive [17].   
  
What I really can't understand, however, is the 'glowing eyes' that often accompany this statement - what, are the characters suddenly radioactive?   
  
No, Jareth, that was NOT a suggestion.  
  
Well, thank you for attending this Charity Function for Abused Conceptions in the Laby Fic World. Your donations will be put to good use; to shelter these poor, mistreated ideas from the cold, unfeeling world. And once again, if you can keep this just between us? I still have a few bruises from when Sarah read my last essay (gee, I wonder how she ever found out. Most mystifying, isn't it, JARETH?) and the neighbors have now filed for an 80 foot restraining order.   
  
Ahem.   
  
Right then, thank you everyone for coming, and please leave a contribution in the little box [18]!  
  
**********************  
  
[1] Because I am the type of person who can't let a subject drop once I am on a roll and for the sake of stirring up civil unrest   
  
[2] While the author goes into raptures over her pale, miserable beauty - in true fairy-tale/angsty teenager spirit  
  
[3] At this point I must take a brief interlude to administer the Heimlich maneuver on His Most Royal Highness, who is choking on his Royal Pack of Peanuts.   
  
[4] And sometimes well afterwards, when we have all begun to feel slightly ill ourselves on account of the rampant tears, sobs, and innumerable "oh if only we could be together, my love!"s that gush forth   
  
[5] Heavens forbid we simply kill her outright and have done with it  
  
[6] The name is sadly long lost to antiquity, though I'm sure many would love to claim it  
  
[7] Perhaps someone should prescribe a brief attendance to 'Choosing Suitable Guardians For your Unwanted Children 101' - and I also wish to use this footnote as an apology to afore mentioned Goblin King. Please disregard the 'unsavory' remark. I enjoy my ears right where they are thank you - not in the BOES.   
  
[8] The audience  
  
[9] And [censored] it, we had better be happy about it!  
  
[10] The Underground, that is. And of course, she won't fuss about it. Why should she? She is obviously thoroughly miserable where she is. What's that? Am I SURE?! Why, how can you even ask that? Of course she is miserable. Everybody says she is miserable. I can't imagine why she wouldn't be miserable! Why, sometimes she's even downright psychotically suicidal! Why is she miserable? Because all the authors say she is, so there! [Censored] people, asking silly question like that...of course she's not happy, it isn't possible...hmmph... [for footnote 11, insert 'will marry him mindlessly without argument' instead of 'is miserable']   
  
[12] And once again, my miserable censor has failed me. It was lamost working well for a bit there. *sigh* Anyone know a good replacement [censored]?  
  
[13] JE: Jareth's Eyes.  
  
[14] And again, I am forced to pause and unblock the Goblin King's air passages. I wish he would stop with the peanuts, already. Or at least desist from laughing while eating them.  
  
[15] I fear I already am...please send me the antidote!!!!  
  
[16] his tongue, I mean. What were YOU thinking? Or, if I choose to leave his body intact, I would at the least deck him across the jaw.  
  
[17] Though I refuse to read stories that have, at any given moment, a dialogue that goes anything at all like the following: *'I love you, my love,' Jareth whispered in her ear. 'And I love you, my love,' Sarah whispered back into his ear.* Not only is it redundant beyond redemption, but all the whispering in the ear makes my own itch, and turn red with sympathetic embarrassment.  
  
[18] And if you happen across any more poor unfortunate abused concepts out there, be kind, and send them this way. I promise to treat them nicely. Really. I can be nice. I can [censored] nice...alright, that's it! *loads and cocks bazooka* WHERE ARE YOU, YOU SNEAKY LITTLE [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED][BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP]  
  
[[End Transmission]]  
  



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